Invincibility and the future

There’s been a lot going on within my head lately. Most of the stuff that comes out of my brain is either work related, the feeling of forgetting something (I still recall the time I left the stove on) or just utter nonsense. I’ve been really focused on the future for some reason as of late and to be honest, it’s not the greatest thing to be worrying about. Sure, some people may disagree with me but you really don’t know what tomorrow will bring so I’d rather focus on the present in hopes of influencing the future. No matter how financially stable you are or no matter how far you’ve walked in life, all of that could change in the blink of an eye; either tomorrow, three minutes from now, or even a few seconds from now. It’s a scary thing not knowing what comes next and I guess I’m at the age where I’m trying to figure what the heck I want to do with my life. Is university for me? I’ve been doing it for two years now but something seems off about it. At the end of the day it’s a piece of paper that might not even guarantee you a better job in the future. I guess the main thing I want to know is: ‘Am I doing enough?’ I’ve grown up trying to impress people but at the expense of my own aspirations and needs but doing that has eaten away at me. I’ve changed since then but it’s still hard to shake old habits. It’s kind of an endless, vicious cycle; I’ll go through stages where I’m focusing on myself but somehow I always end up back at square one. I guess I need to learn that being selfish once in a while is okay.

I think in society today people are way too busy worrying about the future and in doing so, they lose sight of the present; they end up living in a fictional word created by their own minds in the hopes that ‘some day’ their situations may improve. That may be true but why wait in the hopes of it happening when you could act now and do something about it? Make the change and be who you have always wanted to be because time is not kind and doesn’t wait forever. Some people wish that they could live on forever but I don’t think they have considered what you would have to go through if that were the case. Would you be able to handle watching everyone else around you (family, friends, loved ones) pass away while you are forced to go on? If it were me, I wouldn’t be able to handle that pain; just the thought of the pain and suffering that would build up makes me edge away from the idea of immortality. I’d much rather grow old, laugh, cry, smile and live  with someone because saying goodbye is something I’ve always struggled to do. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who would be more than happy to pay that price but I think I’d go insane over time and lose myself in the process. You can only take so much emotional stress before you snap. Oh well, I guess it’s just in our human nature to worry so much about the future. So, to my future self, here’s a letter to you:

Dear future me,

I hope all is going well.

Just in case someone hasn’t asked you today, how are you feeling? is everything going the way you want it to and if not, what changed?

I know you don’t like being asked a lot of questions, sorry, but I want to know. Are you married yet? Is marriage for you even legalised where you are? 

I hope you’re staying true to who you are and that the kindness in your heart spreads to those around you; I hope you are able to finally love yourself for who you are fully without worrying about the minor details. If no one else has told you yet then I love you. I love your imperfections, the scars on your arm, your eyes, the skin on your stomach and I love you for who you are. I hope you’ve finally found peace in your heart and that you have let down those inner walls around your heart.

How’s things with Shelly? Is he a Rivera or are you a Berne? Haha, not that it matters but I hope you are truly happy either way.

Hey, remember to keep on smiling on a day to day basis, no matter how dark it may get. You are loved by a lot of people and I’m proud of you. Shelly was always proud of you too and still is.

Alright, I’ve got to run, I’ve got a few exemptions to process (oh I’m sure you loved doing them back at work).

Love you always,

2015 Jose Ireneo Rivera

P.S. You’re fabulous.

Clarity, the rain and new beginnings

It’s been a long time since I’ve last posted anything and let me tell you it has been one hell of a rollercoaster in the time I’ve been absent; a lot of things good and bad have happened and honestly I think they’ve happened for a reason. When I look back on how I used to be I still manage to drop my jaw. They say change is a good thing but it could also be bad; in this case, it’s nothing but the good. Compared to the ‘dark and gloomy’ days I’ve had in the past, the sky is now filled with the brightest of lights and that’s because of the effort and time I have put in to see and manage the error in my ways. It’s safe to say that the person I was before has died and in a way has been reborn. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still the same person with the same name and with the same traits but my mind has changed its way of thinking and as a result my life has just sprung up drastically.

Time heals a lot of things but some wounds will remain as scars. You learn to live with it and it’s not so bad. That’s a pretty good way to sum up everything up to this point; you acknowledge that the things in the past have happened but you do not under any circumstances let them consume who you are. If you’re someone going through a cycle of self doubt, regret, sadness or any type of pain, I want you to know that it will get better. These voices inside your head are nothing but lies; in a way, they are obstacles that your brain puts up in order to ensure that nothing else happens again. Learn to be patient with yourself, learn to love yourself and learn to accept that some things will never disappear but you’ll learn to live with them because honestly, the pain might never go away but you can numb it. It’s all about willpower. The pain of not knowing my dad, the pain of allowing myself to think that I was never good enough and the pain of the others around me are all something that I have ‘willed’ myself to control. There is a way. This is not the end. You will become a better person for enduring the pain; do not give up on anything and if you manage to fall, well, that’s okay because we’re not perfect. Get up, try again and keep going. When times get tough and it starts to get dark again just remember why you began and why you changed yourself in the first place.

You’re beautiful,

You’re worth it,

You’re loved,

Be brave,

Be bold,

Be pretentious,

Cry,

Laugh,

Be yourself and smile.

IMG_3577

Happiness comes in many forms: love, joy, fun… the list is endless. I’ve come out of the closet since my last post and never have I felt so free. Oh yeah, I’m blonde now too (boy, that was an experience) and I’ve found love. Everyone deserves to be loved but some parents are not worthy of their children’s love. You need to be careful who you give it to but you’ll know when it’s genuine because your heart will tell you what’s right. If you’re wondering who that may be in the photo… well, his name is Sheldon and let me tell you that he is the most amazing person to ever waltz into my life. No matter how crappy your life may seem just keep your head held high because it will get better. It’s half way into 2015 and I can’t believe it took me this long to realize all of this. Remember to love and to be kind because in return you will be loved.

So, dear self,

Live, love, laugh, cry and work it because everything will fall into place with time and dedication. Be that person who will make even the darkest nights shine brightly.

Oh and don’t forget to smile, you fabulous unapologetic bitch.

Watch out because you’re going to slay the future.

Inner Sanctum: Being the way that you are is enough

Being yourself isn’t the easiest thing to do, especially if society and the people around you think quite poorly of the things you like and the people you look up to. Hey, a good example of this would be me liking a certain “boy band” (you can probably guess…). Okay, “like” is an understatement but still, you get the drift (I hope). The world is full of judgmental people these days and the internet is by far much worse. Perhaps it’s because you are behind a computer screen and people can’t see what you really look like, making them feel like they can say whatever they want. It’s sort of like having a mask… except… well, it’s a machine.

Anyway, I find it quite hard to be myself around people because I fear being judged. Trust me, it’s not a nice thing and we’ve all probably been there at some point in our lives. We face judgement everyday and sometimes it can even hold you back. You really shouldn’t let others affect who you are and determine what you’ll become (I’m sounding like a hypocrite here, haha). 

“I’m beautiful in my way because God makes no mistakes.”

“I’m on the right track baby, I was born this way.”

 

Okay, that was lame and cheesy but you know what Gaga has said here is quite true! At times we may feel hopeless and full of despair (pretty much me all the time, I can’t talk) but you are who you are in the end. There’s no escaping that reality.

Oh, if you haven’t figured out who that boy band is from the title you must be a little slow…
ImageYeah… couldn’t make it anymore obvious than that! What can I say? They’re talented, charming and overall down to earth guys! Now, I’m a guy and society + the internet would disagree but you know what? Haters are going to hate!

Don’t be afraid to let your “true self” out of your inner sanctum. It doesn’t really matter what others think about you. It’s not like they control your life.

(Well, I’m just going to say that I’m being a huge hypocrite here because I am terrified of some people finding out about me and them, haha!)