There’s been a lot going on within my head lately. Most of the stuff that comes out of my brain is either work related, the feeling of forgetting something (I still recall the time I left the stove on) or just utter nonsense. I’ve been really focused on the future for some reason as of late and to be honest, it’s not the greatest thing to be worrying about. Sure, some people may disagree with me but you really don’t know what tomorrow will bring so I’d rather focus on the present in hopes of influencing the future. No matter how financially stable you are or no matter how far you’ve walked in life, all of that could change in the blink of an eye; either tomorrow, three minutes from now, or even a few seconds from now. It’s a scary thing not knowing what comes next and I guess I’m at the age where I’m trying to figure what the heck I want to do with my life. Is university for me? I’ve been doing it for two years now but something seems off about it. At the end of the day it’s a piece of paper that might not even guarantee you a better job in the future. I guess the main thing I want to know is: ‘Am I doing enough?’ I’ve grown up trying to impress people but at the expense of my own aspirations and needs but doing that has eaten away at me. I’ve changed since then but it’s still hard to shake old habits. It’s kind of an endless, vicious cycle; I’ll go through stages where I’m focusing on myself but somehow I always end up back at square one. I guess I need to learn that being selfish once in a while is okay.
I think in society today people are way too busy worrying about the future and in doing so, they lose sight of the present; they end up living in a fictional word created by their own minds in the hopes that ‘some day’ their situations may improve. That may be true but why wait in the hopes of it happening when you could act now and do something about it? Make the change and be who you have always wanted to be because time is not kind and doesn’t wait forever. Some people wish that they could live on forever but I don’t think they have considered what you would have to go through if that were the case. Would you be able to handle watching everyone else around you (family, friends, loved ones) pass away while you are forced to go on? If it were me, I wouldn’t be able to handle that pain; just the thought of the pain and suffering that would build up makes me edge away from the idea of immortality. I’d much rather grow old, laugh, cry, smile and live with someone because saying goodbye is something I’ve always struggled to do. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who would be more than happy to pay that price but I think I’d go insane over time and lose myself in the process. You can only take so much emotional stress before you snap. Oh well, I guess it’s just in our human nature to worry so much about the future. So, to my future self, here’s a letter to you:
Dear future me,
I hope all is going well.
Just in case someone hasn’t asked you today, how are you feeling? is everything going the way you want it to and if not, what changed?
I know you don’t like being asked a lot of questions, sorry, but I want to know. Are you married yet? Is marriage for you even legalised where you are?
I hope you’re staying true to who you are and that the kindness in your heart spreads to those around you; I hope you are able to finally love yourself for who you are fully without worrying about the minor details. If no one else has told you yet then I love you. I love your imperfections, the scars on your arm, your eyes, the skin on your stomach and I love you for who you are. I hope you’ve finally found peace in your heart and that you have let down those inner walls around your heart.
How’s things with Shelly? Is he a Rivera or are you a Berne? Haha, not that it matters but I hope you are truly happy either way.
Hey, remember to keep on smiling on a day to day basis, no matter how dark it may get. You are loved by a lot of people and I’m proud of you. Shelly was always proud of you too and still is.
Alright, I’ve got to run, I’ve got a few exemptions to process (oh I’m sure you loved doing them back at work).
Love you always,
2015 Jose Ireneo Rivera
P.S. You’re fabulous.