Finally, Fresh Air

Things are finally starting to get back on track again and it’s about damn time! I’m just super glad that the major issues have been solved and that I won’t have to worry about them anymore (or ever again for that matter!). Who knew living with someone could cause so much unwanted stress? Not me, that’s for sure (I do now though). I wasn’t quite sure what was causing me to be unhappy at the time but it became clear after a few months. I don’t know how I managed to live with someone so self cantered and toxic but I found a way – and paid dearly for my ignorance. Ah well, that’s unfortunately the hidden truth about shared houses and I guess I just got unlucky when it came down to who I was living with. It was a stressful few months and it has tested my patience and emotions but I think that I’ve come out of all the mess as a better person and a clearer mind. At least now I know what to look for in a room mate if I decide to move from my new house (which is really nice!).

Fortunately for me, I wasn’t left stranded when I decided to leave that toxic wasteland that I apparently called a home. My partner and his parents decided to let me stay with them until I was able to find my own place and get back up on my feet again. I would, of course, do the same in return for him anytime. I’m just really thankful for everything that they have done up until now and I’m glad to be up and running on my own two feet again. I don’t like the feeling on having to rely on others and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one out there who thinks the same. The last time I ever had to rely on someone else was when I first moved out of home. I guess I’m just so used to doing things for myself now and there’s so much more freedom involved. It’s your roof and your rules. There’s no one else there to stop you from doing what you want to do (unless you live with an insane, self-centred roomie!). I need a break from all this stress because I’m sick and tired of it.

Hopefully the near future will bring a lot more excitement and I hope everything works out in the end for my partner as well! I feel sorry for him and it’s frustrating that I can’t do anything else to help him out. He’s been looking for new work for about three months now and he’s still found nothing. It sucks because I know how hard he is trying and I’ve done all I can in my own power to help him but it’s really frustrating because I want him to succeed more than myself to be honest. Some people might think that’s a stupid thing but when you care about someone, you want them to succeed. Seeing him unhappy kills me and I just want to take away all that unhappy emotion and throw it out the window never to be seen again.

I’m happy that I was finally able to get my crap together and sorted but I don’t think I’ll feel content until my partner is happy too. I’m supporting him in every way possible but sometimes it feels as though I’m not doing enough and that’s probably the only thing that’s really upsetting me at the moment. Life really is a bitch sometimes and you can’t really do anything about it. The only thing you can do is to keep going in the hopes of finding something to make things right.

Life in solitude

“At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self.” – Brendan Francis

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Loneliness. It’s an emotion that can ruin you as a person but it can also bring yourself comfort. For me, being around people isn’t the easiest thing to do, especially after what I have been through in the past. Due to my lack of self esteem and confidence, I prefer living a life of solitude. I’ve been hurt by people in many ways and some of these people are very close to me. Not everyone could understand what I am and what makes me as a person. I have grown to fear people and I am unable to function easily around large crowds. For many years I have always walked the path of loneliness. It’s like I was destined to be lonely. I always distanced myself from my cousins. To me, they held much more value to society than myself; I had always thought of myself lowly when it comes to other people around me. I guess that loneliness is an emotion that I know very well. I hate it but at the same time, it’s always there for me like a mother is there for her child. It’s always crushing me but it also embraces me and accepts me for the person that I am. It’s sort of like a love-hate relationship.

I feel a lot better when I’m separated from others. A life in solitude doesn’t sound too bad. After all, I’ve spent 18 years being misunderstood by others as well as being tormented by my fears that hold me back. I’ve had a lot of practice and by now, I’d say that I’m used to this kind of lifestyle. I’m in my own little world where no one is able to judge me for what I like. There’s only me and my inner self who accepts me for who I am. I find myself listening to music a lot. Particularly artists like Birdy and Ed Sheeran. In a way, I guess I can relate to a lot of their songs. I can’t explain the feeling but the sound of their voices combined with the soft sound of instruments just comforts me. I guess it’s what I can use to escape the harsh reality life has dealt me. I also find myself looking up to One Direction as I never had the chance to have a male role model in my life. I grew up without a father after all. Their songs especially Little Things allow me to think that things are not as bad as what they seem and that I’m actually worth something in this world. Hey, I’ve been surrounded by nothing but negativity and darkness my entire life but as I stated in an earlier post, I let the darkness flow inside of me but at the same time not allowing it to corrupt my heart. Those who experience pain, no matter how small it is I’d offer my help to without thinking. I long for a world that is rid of pain, rid of everything negative. I harness the darkness inside of me and try my best to ensure the ones I love experience no pain. Light and darkness cannot exist without each other.

A world without conflict, judgement, a world where everyone is equal. That’s what I long for. If anything, my loneliness has strengthened my other emotions, allowing me to understand at a deeper level. Unfortunately the world I long for cannot exist as we are only human. There will always be hate, and hate will eventually breed anger and revenge. As long as we are humans we cannot possibly find true peace.

…But still, I’ll hope for the impossible.