Finally, Fresh Air

Things are finally starting to get back on track again and it’s about damn time! I’m just super glad that the major issues have been solved and that I won’t have to worry about them anymore (or ever again for that matter!). Who knew living with someone could cause so much unwanted stress? Not me, that’s for sure (I do now though). I wasn’t quite sure what was causing me to be unhappy at the time but it became clear after a few months. I don’t know how I managed to live with someone so self cantered and toxic but I found a way – and paid dearly for my ignorance. Ah well, that’s unfortunately the hidden truth about shared houses and I guess I just got unlucky when it came down to who I was living with. It was a stressful few months and it has tested my patience and emotions but I think that I’ve come out of all the mess as a better person and a clearer mind. At least now I know what to look for in a room mate if I decide to move from my new house (which is really nice!).

Fortunately for me, I wasn’t left stranded when I decided to leave that toxic wasteland that I apparently called a home. My partner and his parents decided to let me stay with them until I was able to find my own place and get back up on my feet again. I would, of course, do the same in return for him anytime. I’m just really thankful for everything that they have done up until now and I’m glad to be up and running on my own two feet again. I don’t like the feeling on having to rely on others and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one out there who thinks the same. The last time I ever had to rely on someone else was when I first moved out of home. I guess I’m just so used to doing things for myself now and there’s so much more freedom involved. It’s your roof and your rules. There’s no one else there to stop you from doing what you want to do (unless you live with an insane, self-centred roomie!). I need a break from all this stress because I’m sick and tired of it.

Hopefully the near future will bring a lot more excitement and I hope everything works out in the end for my partner as well! I feel sorry for him and it’s frustrating that I can’t do anything else to help him out. He’s been looking for new work for about three months now and he’s still found nothing. It sucks because I know how hard he is trying and I’ve done all I can in my own power to help him but it’s really frustrating because I want him to succeed more than myself to be honest. Some people might think that’s a stupid thing but when you care about someone, you want them to succeed. Seeing him unhappy kills me and I just want to take away all that unhappy emotion and throw it out the window never to be seen again.

I’m happy that I was finally able to get my crap together and sorted but I don’t think I’ll feel content until my partner is happy too. I’m supporting him in every way possible but sometimes it feels as though I’m not doing enough and that’s probably the only thing that’s really upsetting me at the moment. Life really is a bitch sometimes and you can’t really do anything about it. The only thing you can do is to keep going in the hopes of finding something to make things right.

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DO you ever just…

“Asdfghjkladsfjlabhddsadfdagjkdfgouidagjl” Gibberish? Yeah, that’s kind of what’s going in my mind at the moment. Not sure what’s in the air today (perhaps it’s my colleague’s farts setting things off) but EVERY – SINGLE – THING is pissing me off today. It doesn’t matter how insignificant and small the problem is because apparently my brain thinks that they’re all on the same level of utter horse manure at the moment. Why isn’t the stapler full of staples? Is my hair TRYING to piss me off on purpose by being slightly off centre? Why are the tissues blue instead of white? WILL THE PHONES IN THE OFFICE JUST SHUT UP FOR 30 SECONDS?! Snap, crackle, pop. Rinse and repeat.  It’s just like the rice bubbles cereal except instead of cereal pieces, it’s the brain cells in my head doing the snapping, crackling and popping. I can’t even stare at something for two whole seconds (Oh the horror!) without either wanting to set it on fire OR throw whatever it is out the window and THEN set the thing on fire. Hopefully it’s going to get struck by lightning too. Oh I’m overreacting? Tell that to mother nature. WHY THE HELL MUST YOU BE ALL SO DOOM AND GLOOM TODAY?! The weather man is a liar. A freaking L-I-A-R I tell you! Now my umbrella is sitting in my bed where I’d much rather be right now. God it’s cold. Why the fuck did I decide to wear short sleeves in winter? Oh no, no, no. It’s obviously not my fault; let’s all blame the weatherman because he’s oh, I don’t know, a liar.

Let’s not even get started with how slow the office computer is today. Oh no, it’s doing things 0.5 seconds late. It’s okay. It’s not like I’m busy or anything. Just take your sweet ass time sending that email. The computer is being selfish! Yeah, that’s what it’s doing. It has no regards for anyone but itself because it does things according to its schedule and never time mine. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO TURNED YOU ON THIS MORNING?! God, you’re so freaking inconsiderate! Grrrrrrrrrr!!! I hate people. I hate machines. I hate pretty much anything and everything. Oh wait, I don’t hate food. Ice cream never talks back to you and nor does a pizza… or burger… or fries… mmm… food… … Oh shut the fuck up Mariah! I’m having a happy moment thinking about food here! Now is NOT the time for your squealing-filled-song about you and Nick! I suppose you’re not to blame; the phone put your song on after all. Stupid machines.

Anyway, I guess I better get me and my resting bitch face (Oh yeah, it’s there) back to work before some asshole decides to tell me off for not doing work and blogging instead. How freaking rude and inconsiderate would that be?!

Peace out. Set things on fire. Wait, I mean spread love, happiness and rainbows.

 

 

…and then set things on fire Smile.

Love you all! Except if you’re the weatherman. Fuck you weatherman.

Drowning in a sea of people, my dark past

It can really get to me sometimes, my fear, that is. I’ve always had extreme cases of anxiety issues ever since I was a child. I guess it’s come from my low self esteem and little-to-no confidence. Always being the odd one out, growing up without a father while you’re forced to watch your friends grow up with a full set of parents. Back then, I didn’t know what was going on. I guess I just asked myself “Why am I so different?” over and over again. I never really found the answer until I was around 14 though.

Primary school life was… tough to say the least, hiding from people daily, sitting behind the school library crying because nobody understood you but at the same time, being alone comforted me. I was in my own little world where I wouldn’t be frowned, teased or laughed at. I can’t describe the feeling… it was sort of like something was crushing your soul, but at the same time, it was embracing it.

Hey, I can’t blame those other kids for not understanding me, or keeping away from me like I was some sort of deadly bug. I mean, If you look at me, there isn’t much to like, ahahaha…aha… I was lost in the darkness for so long. Judged and criticized by others for being different the entire time. Heck, I was even told to my face “I wish you were never born”. Every day was like a living hell for me. I came to fear people, especially people around my age. Now, you’re probably thinking it couldn’t of been that bad. You still had a mother who probably loved you. You’re semi-correct on that one. yes, I had a mother but no, not once has she ever told me that she’s proud of who I am or what I have become, in fact, even to this day she compares me to her friend’s children saying “Why didn’t you grow up like them? You should be ashamed of yourself!” Heh… not what you were expecting, right? As a child, she would leave me home alone to go gambling with her friends. The only one in my life who was always there for me has always been my older sister. Without her, I honestly would’ve taken my own life and wouldn’t be here right now.

My mother didn’t even come to my graduation dinner, she’d rather go out with her friends, is what she told me. It was hard to keep a straight face that night, but at the same time, it wasn’t that hard to put on the “fake smile” mask that I had plenty of time mastering when I was young. Can you imagine sitting at a table, watching your friend’s parents hug their son saying “congratulations, son! I’m so proud of you!” While you sit there, lonely. Trying your best not to cry. It felt like someone was choking me, I couldn’t breathe.

Even now, I am still drowning in a sea of people, I can’t handle big crowds, I’m always self conscious. If I stay too long around people, I’ll eventually have to vomit. It’s a scar that will never heal.