Drowning in a sea of people, my dark past

It can really get to me sometimes, my fear, that is. I’ve always had extreme cases of anxiety issues ever since I was a child. I guess it’s come from my low self esteem and little-to-no confidence. Always being the odd one out, growing up without a father while you’re forced to watch your friends grow up with a full set of parents. Back then, I didn’t know what was going on. I guess I just asked myself “Why am I so different?” over and over again. I never really found the answer until I was around 14 though.

Primary school life was… tough to say the least, hiding from people daily, sitting behind the school library crying because nobody understood you but at the same time, being alone comforted me. I was in my own little world where I wouldn’t be frowned, teased or laughed at. I can’t describe the feeling… it was sort of like something was crushing your soul, but at the same time, it was embracing it.

Hey, I can’t blame those other kids for not understanding me, or keeping away from me like I was some sort of deadly bug. I mean, If you look at me, there isn’t much to like, ahahaha…aha… I was lost in the darkness for so long. Judged and criticized by others for being different the entire time. Heck, I was even told to my face “I wish you were never born”. Every day was like a living hell for me. I came to fear people, especially people around my age. Now, you’re probably thinking it couldn’t of been that bad. You still had a mother who probably loved you. You’re semi-correct on that one. yes, I had a mother but no, not once has she ever told me that she’s proud of who I am or what I have become, in fact, even to this day she compares me to her friend’s children saying “Why didn’t you grow up like them? You should be ashamed of yourself!” Heh… not what you were expecting, right? As a child, she would leave me home alone to go gambling with her friends. The only one in my life who was always there for me has always been my older sister. Without her, I honestly would’ve taken my own life and wouldn’t be here right now.

My mother didn’t even come to my graduation dinner, she’d rather go out with her friends, is what she told me. It was hard to keep a straight face that night, but at the same time, it wasn’t that hard to put on the “fake smile” mask that I had plenty of time mastering when I was young. Can you imagine sitting at a table, watching your friend’s parents hug their son saying “congratulations, son! I’m so proud of you!” While you sit there, lonely. Trying your best not to cry. It felt like someone was choking me, I couldn’t breathe.

Even now, I am still drowning in a sea of people, I can’t handle big crowds, I’m always self conscious. If I stay too long around people, I’ll eventually have to vomit. It’s a scar that will never heal.