Finally, Fresh Air

Things are finally starting to get back on track again and it’s about damn time! I’m just super glad that the major issues have been solved and that I won’t have to worry about them anymore (or ever again for that matter!). Who knew living with someone could cause so much unwanted stress? Not me, that’s for sure (I do now though). I wasn’t quite sure what was causing me to be unhappy at the time but it became clear after a few months. I don’t know how I managed to live with someone so self cantered and toxic but I found a way – and paid dearly for my ignorance. Ah well, that’s unfortunately the hidden truth about shared houses and I guess I just got unlucky when it came down to who I was living with. It was a stressful few months and it has tested my patience and emotions but I think that I’ve come out of all the mess as a better person and a clearer mind. At least now I know what to look for in a room mate if I decide to move from my new house (which is really nice!).

Fortunately for me, I wasn’t left stranded when I decided to leave that toxic wasteland that I apparently called a home. My partner and his parents decided to let me stay with them until I was able to find my own place and get back up on my feet again. I would, of course, do the same in return for him anytime. I’m just really thankful for everything that they have done up until now and I’m glad to be up and running on my own two feet again. I don’t like the feeling on having to rely on others and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one out there who thinks the same. The last time I ever had to rely on someone else was when I first moved out of home. I guess I’m just so used to doing things for myself now and there’s so much more freedom involved. It’s your roof and your rules. There’s no one else there to stop you from doing what you want to do (unless you live with an insane, self-centred roomie!). I need a break from all this stress because I’m sick and tired of it.

Hopefully the near future will bring a lot more excitement and I hope everything works out in the end for my partner as well! I feel sorry for him and it’s frustrating that I can’t do anything else to help him out. He’s been looking for new work for about three months now and he’s still found nothing. It sucks because I know how hard he is trying and I’ve done all I can in my own power to help him but it’s really frustrating because I want him to succeed more than myself to be honest. Some people might think that’s a stupid thing but when you care about someone, you want them to succeed. Seeing him unhappy kills me and I just want to take away all that unhappy emotion and throw it out the window never to be seen again.

I’m happy that I was finally able to get my crap together and sorted but I don’t think I’ll feel content until my partner is happy too. I’m supporting him in every way possible but sometimes it feels as though I’m not doing enough and that’s probably the only thing that’s really upsetting me at the moment. Life really is a bitch sometimes and you can’t really do anything about it. The only thing you can do is to keep going in the hopes of finding something to make things right.

DO you ever just…

“Asdfghjkladsfjlabhddsadfdagjkdfgouidagjl” Gibberish? Yeah, that’s kind of what’s going in my mind at the moment. Not sure what’s in the air today (perhaps it’s my colleague’s farts setting things off) but EVERY – SINGLE – THING is pissing me off today. It doesn’t matter how insignificant and small the problem is because apparently my brain thinks that they’re all on the same level of utter horse manure at the moment. Why isn’t the stapler full of staples? Is my hair TRYING to piss me off on purpose by being slightly off centre? Why are the tissues blue instead of white? WILL THE PHONES IN THE OFFICE JUST SHUT UP FOR 30 SECONDS?! Snap, crackle, pop. Rinse and repeat.  It’s just like the rice bubbles cereal except instead of cereal pieces, it’s the brain cells in my head doing the snapping, crackling and popping. I can’t even stare at something for two whole seconds (Oh the horror!) without either wanting to set it on fire OR throw whatever it is out the window and THEN set the thing on fire. Hopefully it’s going to get struck by lightning too. Oh I’m overreacting? Tell that to mother nature. WHY THE HELL MUST YOU BE ALL SO DOOM AND GLOOM TODAY?! The weather man is a liar. A freaking L-I-A-R I tell you! Now my umbrella is sitting in my bed where I’d much rather be right now. God it’s cold. Why the fuck did I decide to wear short sleeves in winter? Oh no, no, no. It’s obviously not my fault; let’s all blame the weatherman because he’s oh, I don’t know, a liar.

Let’s not even get started with how slow the office computer is today. Oh no, it’s doing things 0.5 seconds late. It’s okay. It’s not like I’m busy or anything. Just take your sweet ass time sending that email. The computer is being selfish! Yeah, that’s what it’s doing. It has no regards for anyone but itself because it does things according to its schedule and never time mine. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO TURNED YOU ON THIS MORNING?! God, you’re so freaking inconsiderate! Grrrrrrrrrr!!! I hate people. I hate machines. I hate pretty much anything and everything. Oh wait, I don’t hate food. Ice cream never talks back to you and nor does a pizza… or burger… or fries… mmm… food… … Oh shut the fuck up Mariah! I’m having a happy moment thinking about food here! Now is NOT the time for your squealing-filled-song about you and Nick! I suppose you’re not to blame; the phone put your song on after all. Stupid machines.

Anyway, I guess I better get me and my resting bitch face (Oh yeah, it’s there) back to work before some asshole decides to tell me off for not doing work and blogging instead. How freaking rude and inconsiderate would that be?!

Peace out. Set things on fire. Wait, I mean spread love, happiness and rainbows.

 

 

…and then set things on fire Smile.

Love you all! Except if you’re the weatherman. Fuck you weatherman.

clusterF**k

Oh the infamous lemons. Life’s going to throw them at you when you least expect it and sometimes you don’t have the energy to deal with it. Running from your problems may solve them in the short term but they are more than likely to catch up to you later down the track; it’s better to deal with them as soon as they occur (even if you are not in the mood to deal with it). It’s not a good thing to leave them alone because you’ll end up holding grudges against friends, colleagues and even family members and trust me, you really don’t want to hold grudges because the negative energy that comes with a grudge will consume you. You’ll lose yourself in the process because all you’re focused about is being spiteful, hateful and uncooperative. Make lemonade out of the lemons because it’s always possible to turn something sour into something sweet (if you’re sensible and willing to do something about it!).

If you’re at fault but don’t realise it at the time then you may say some things that you would end up regretting. Try to keep your cool in arguments and try to listen to the other party, no matter how much you think you’re right because it might just turn out that you were wrong in the first place. I’ve recently made mistakes and it’s probably going to cost me the friendship between one of my really good friends. I thought the decision I made was good at the time but the lack of communication has made it into something that it should’ve never been. Yeah, I fucked up and I realise that now but at the same time I sort of feel lost because other issues were brought up of which I was not aware of. It’s these other issues that have confused me. In my eyes I don’t see what I’ve done wrong in relation to the issues but I’m willing to listen. I just hope that my friend can forgive me because I really shouldn’t have flaked out on her like that. Okay, sure, at the time I was unable to answer my phone because I was in town with my boyfriend getting hair cuts and I honestly did not see the messages until earlier that afternoon (forgetting to reply to them in the process).

I’ll do my best to fix everything because I have really good friends and I don’t want to lose people over a ticket to a show.

Clarity, the rain and new beginnings

It’s been a long time since I’ve last posted anything and let me tell you it has been one hell of a rollercoaster in the time I’ve been absent; a lot of things good and bad have happened and honestly I think they’ve happened for a reason. When I look back on how I used to be I still manage to drop my jaw. They say change is a good thing but it could also be bad; in this case, it’s nothing but the good. Compared to the ‘dark and gloomy’ days I’ve had in the past, the sky is now filled with the brightest of lights and that’s because of the effort and time I have put in to see and manage the error in my ways. It’s safe to say that the person I was before has died and in a way has been reborn. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still the same person with the same name and with the same traits but my mind has changed its way of thinking and as a result my life has just sprung up drastically.

Time heals a lot of things but some wounds will remain as scars. You learn to live with it and it’s not so bad. That’s a pretty good way to sum up everything up to this point; you acknowledge that the things in the past have happened but you do not under any circumstances let them consume who you are. If you’re someone going through a cycle of self doubt, regret, sadness or any type of pain, I want you to know that it will get better. These voices inside your head are nothing but lies; in a way, they are obstacles that your brain puts up in order to ensure that nothing else happens again. Learn to be patient with yourself, learn to love yourself and learn to accept that some things will never disappear but you’ll learn to live with them because honestly, the pain might never go away but you can numb it. It’s all about willpower. The pain of not knowing my dad, the pain of allowing myself to think that I was never good enough and the pain of the others around me are all something that I have ‘willed’ myself to control. There is a way. This is not the end. You will become a better person for enduring the pain; do not give up on anything and if you manage to fall, well, that’s okay because we’re not perfect. Get up, try again and keep going. When times get tough and it starts to get dark again just remember why you began and why you changed yourself in the first place.

You’re beautiful,

You’re worth it,

You’re loved,

Be brave,

Be bold,

Be pretentious,

Cry,

Laugh,

Be yourself and smile.

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Happiness comes in many forms: love, joy, fun… the list is endless. I’ve come out of the closet since my last post and never have I felt so free. Oh yeah, I’m blonde now too (boy, that was an experience) and I’ve found love. Everyone deserves to be loved but some parents are not worthy of their children’s love. You need to be careful who you give it to but you’ll know when it’s genuine because your heart will tell you what’s right. If you’re wondering who that may be in the photo… well, his name is Sheldon and let me tell you that he is the most amazing person to ever waltz into my life. No matter how crappy your life may seem just keep your head held high because it will get better. It’s half way into 2015 and I can’t believe it took me this long to realize all of this. Remember to love and to be kind because in return you will be loved.

So, dear self,

Live, love, laugh, cry and work it because everything will fall into place with time and dedication. Be that person who will make even the darkest nights shine brightly.

Oh and don’t forget to smile, you fabulous unapologetic bitch.

Watch out because you’re going to slay the future.

Reality or just an illusion?

Sometimes you can’t help but just sit and think to yourself about your surroundings, feelings. What exactly brings your character joy? Friends? Family? or perhaps a simple object in your life. I can’t really put my finger on what brings me joy, there’s just so many things that make me happy but at the same time, there are a lot of things in the world (as well as people) who, in my eyes, just exist to make your life less enjoyable.

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Take this picture of Pikachu flying on a pair of balloons. He seems like he’s enjoying himself, right? Well, imagine if people lived to burst those balloons and send him flying down into a pit of sadness. That’s pretty much how I feel all the time. You either have to conform to society or just crumble, at least, that’s what my brain tells me which makes me think about an entire different life. What if I was a different person in an illusionary world. What if I did conform to the rules of society, being restricted on what to be or what to do simply because it was normal? I guess you can say that what I’m trying to describe is like inside of a school. Every student is wearing the same uniform, forced to follow their rules while suppressing their inner, true self. “Being yourself” isn’t the easiest thing to accomplish especially with all those people out there to judge you. You can’t let them bother you though (another thing that’s easier said than done) and if they do, Just try and think positive (this as well).

I guess I’d prefer to be in that illusionary world because reality seems too harsh at times. I’d be accepted for who I am but I’d have to hide what makes me unique as a person. So, reality vs illusion? What’s your choice?

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Yes, that is a squirrel eating Nutella. In fact, that’s pretty much me everyday as well as sitting in front of my computer tweeting and occasionally “fanboying” over music