Finally, Fresh Air

Things are finally starting to get back on track again and it’s about damn time! I’m just super glad that the major issues have been solved and that I won’t have to worry about them anymore (or ever again for that matter!). Who knew living with someone could cause so much unwanted stress? Not me, that’s for sure (I do now though). I wasn’t quite sure what was causing me to be unhappy at the time but it became clear after a few months. I don’t know how I managed to live with someone so self cantered and toxic but I found a way – and paid dearly for my ignorance. Ah well, that’s unfortunately the hidden truth about shared houses and I guess I just got unlucky when it came down to who I was living with. It was a stressful few months and it has tested my patience and emotions but I think that I’ve come out of all the mess as a better person and a clearer mind. At least now I know what to look for in a room mate if I decide to move from my new house (which is really nice!).

Fortunately for me, I wasn’t left stranded when I decided to leave that toxic wasteland that I apparently called a home. My partner and his parents decided to let me stay with them until I was able to find my own place and get back up on my feet again. I would, of course, do the same in return for him anytime. I’m just really thankful for everything that they have done up until now and I’m glad to be up and running on my own two feet again. I don’t like the feeling on having to rely on others and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one out there who thinks the same. The last time I ever had to rely on someone else was when I first moved out of home. I guess I’m just so used to doing things for myself now and there’s so much more freedom involved. It’s your roof and your rules. There’s no one else there to stop you from doing what you want to do (unless you live with an insane, self-centred roomie!). I need a break from all this stress because I’m sick and tired of it.

Hopefully the near future will bring a lot more excitement and I hope everything works out in the end for my partner as well! I feel sorry for him and it’s frustrating that I can’t do anything else to help him out. He’s been looking for new work for about three months now and he’s still found nothing. It sucks because I know how hard he is trying and I’ve done all I can in my own power to help him but it’s really frustrating because I want him to succeed more than myself to be honest. Some people might think that’s a stupid thing but when you care about someone, you want them to succeed. Seeing him unhappy kills me and I just want to take away all that unhappy emotion and throw it out the window never to be seen again.

I’m happy that I was finally able to get my crap together and sorted but I don’t think I’ll feel content until my partner is happy too. I’m supporting him in every way possible but sometimes it feels as though I’m not doing enough and that’s probably the only thing that’s really upsetting me at the moment. Life really is a bitch sometimes and you can’t really do anything about it. The only thing you can do is to keep going in the hopes of finding something to make things right.

DO you ever just…

“Asdfghjkladsfjlabhddsadfdagjkdfgouidagjl” Gibberish? Yeah, that’s kind of what’s going in my mind at the moment. Not sure what’s in the air today (perhaps it’s my colleague’s farts setting things off) but EVERY – SINGLE – THING is pissing me off today. It doesn’t matter how insignificant and small the problem is because apparently my brain thinks that they’re all on the same level of utter horse manure at the moment. Why isn’t the stapler full of staples? Is my hair TRYING to piss me off on purpose by being slightly off centre? Why are the tissues blue instead of white? WILL THE PHONES IN THE OFFICE JUST SHUT UP FOR 30 SECONDS?! Snap, crackle, pop. Rinse and repeat.  It’s just like the rice bubbles cereal except instead of cereal pieces, it’s the brain cells in my head doing the snapping, crackling and popping. I can’t even stare at something for two whole seconds (Oh the horror!) without either wanting to set it on fire OR throw whatever it is out the window and THEN set the thing on fire. Hopefully it’s going to get struck by lightning too. Oh I’m overreacting? Tell that to mother nature. WHY THE HELL MUST YOU BE ALL SO DOOM AND GLOOM TODAY?! The weather man is a liar. A freaking L-I-A-R I tell you! Now my umbrella is sitting in my bed where I’d much rather be right now. God it’s cold. Why the fuck did I decide to wear short sleeves in winter? Oh no, no, no. It’s obviously not my fault; let’s all blame the weatherman because he’s oh, I don’t know, a liar.

Let’s not even get started with how slow the office computer is today. Oh no, it’s doing things 0.5 seconds late. It’s okay. It’s not like I’m busy or anything. Just take your sweet ass time sending that email. The computer is being selfish! Yeah, that’s what it’s doing. It has no regards for anyone but itself because it does things according to its schedule and never time mine. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO TURNED YOU ON THIS MORNING?! God, you’re so freaking inconsiderate! Grrrrrrrrrr!!! I hate people. I hate machines. I hate pretty much anything and everything. Oh wait, I don’t hate food. Ice cream never talks back to you and nor does a pizza… or burger… or fries… mmm… food… … Oh shut the fuck up Mariah! I’m having a happy moment thinking about food here! Now is NOT the time for your squealing-filled-song about you and Nick! I suppose you’re not to blame; the phone put your song on after all. Stupid machines.

Anyway, I guess I better get me and my resting bitch face (Oh yeah, it’s there) back to work before some asshole decides to tell me off for not doing work and blogging instead. How freaking rude and inconsiderate would that be?!

Peace out. Set things on fire. Wait, I mean spread love, happiness and rainbows.

 

 

…and then set things on fire Smile.

Love you all! Except if you’re the weatherman. Fuck you weatherman.

Wonderland

Sometimes I find myself losing my train of though and without realising it, I end up drifting off into my own little world. It’s almost as though my ears shut themselves off from everything around me and my eyes, after blinking, end up staring at an entire different world. Perhaps daydreaming is our way of ‘falling down a rabbit hole’ and finding our way into Wonderland; It’s a really odd feeling but it’s calming at the same time because you almost feel as though time has stopped or at least slowed down incredibly. The moment you spend in this state of mind feels like you’ve spent hours there and it also feels eerily familiar. You don’t feel any danger but you’re really cautious at the same time. I don’t know how to really explain it but you get the gist of it (I hope). You feel as though you can’t stop walking and can’t stop wandering around. Every turn, inch and step that you take is really up to your imagination and it feels like you can’t control where you’re going.

Anyway, I’m blabbering on about nothing but I might as well take the time to reflect myself and re-evaluate my situation because that’s long overdue. I don’t really know where I’m headed in life at the moment and I’m kind of just letting things happen as they go. It’s safe to say that I feel a bit insecure at the moment but hey, we’re all humans and I’m pretty sure we all go through phases like this. I’m in my prime age to find out exactly what I want to do with my life but it’s a little frustrating not having known from the start. Some people are really lucky when it comes to that and I envy them. They’re able to pursue it from the start without getting side-tracked by other ambitions or self doubt. I want to keep my options as open as possible but at the same time I already want to settle down and steam ahead with one major goal in life. What is it exactly that I want to do? What do I want to achieve? It’s funny that these things come to my subconscious mind when I’m having these ‘Wonderland’ moments. Oh well, as frustrating as it is not knowing what I exactly want to do, it’s good to have your options open. Who knows, perhaps my calling card will come to me soon.

Next time I ‘fall down the rabbit hole’ and drift off, I hope that my mind decides to take me somewhere uplifting and vibrant. It’s unpredictable though and that’s the thing about ‘Wonderland’… you end up searching for yourself, just like Alice did. In a way, you forget who you are for a moment of time and everything your mind visualizes seems real. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad.

Perhaps Wonderland does exist after all… I wonder if everyone’s own ‘Wonderland’ is a reflection of themselves. It could serve as a warning for some future events that may occur due to the actions you’ve decided to take.

clusterF**k

Oh the infamous lemons. Life’s going to throw them at you when you least expect it and sometimes you don’t have the energy to deal with it. Running from your problems may solve them in the short term but they are more than likely to catch up to you later down the track; it’s better to deal with them as soon as they occur (even if you are not in the mood to deal with it). It’s not a good thing to leave them alone because you’ll end up holding grudges against friends, colleagues and even family members and trust me, you really don’t want to hold grudges because the negative energy that comes with a grudge will consume you. You’ll lose yourself in the process because all you’re focused about is being spiteful, hateful and uncooperative. Make lemonade out of the lemons because it’s always possible to turn something sour into something sweet (if you’re sensible and willing to do something about it!).

If you’re at fault but don’t realise it at the time then you may say some things that you would end up regretting. Try to keep your cool in arguments and try to listen to the other party, no matter how much you think you’re right because it might just turn out that you were wrong in the first place. I’ve recently made mistakes and it’s probably going to cost me the friendship between one of my really good friends. I thought the decision I made was good at the time but the lack of communication has made it into something that it should’ve never been. Yeah, I fucked up and I realise that now but at the same time I sort of feel lost because other issues were brought up of which I was not aware of. It’s these other issues that have confused me. In my eyes I don’t see what I’ve done wrong in relation to the issues but I’m willing to listen. I just hope that my friend can forgive me because I really shouldn’t have flaked out on her like that. Okay, sure, at the time I was unable to answer my phone because I was in town with my boyfriend getting hair cuts and I honestly did not see the messages until earlier that afternoon (forgetting to reply to them in the process).

I’ll do my best to fix everything because I have really good friends and I don’t want to lose people over a ticket to a show.

Invincibility and the future

There’s been a lot going on within my head lately. Most of the stuff that comes out of my brain is either work related, the feeling of forgetting something (I still recall the time I left the stove on) or just utter nonsense. I’ve been really focused on the future for some reason as of late and to be honest, it’s not the greatest thing to be worrying about. Sure, some people may disagree with me but you really don’t know what tomorrow will bring so I’d rather focus on the present in hopes of influencing the future. No matter how financially stable you are or no matter how far you’ve walked in life, all of that could change in the blink of an eye; either tomorrow, three minutes from now, or even a few seconds from now. It’s a scary thing not knowing what comes next and I guess I’m at the age where I’m trying to figure what the heck I want to do with my life. Is university for me? I’ve been doing it for two years now but something seems off about it. At the end of the day it’s a piece of paper that might not even guarantee you a better job in the future. I guess the main thing I want to know is: ‘Am I doing enough?’ I’ve grown up trying to impress people but at the expense of my own aspirations and needs but doing that has eaten away at me. I’ve changed since then but it’s still hard to shake old habits. It’s kind of an endless, vicious cycle; I’ll go through stages where I’m focusing on myself but somehow I always end up back at square one. I guess I need to learn that being selfish once in a while is okay.

I think in society today people are way too busy worrying about the future and in doing so, they lose sight of the present; they end up living in a fictional word created by their own minds in the hopes that ‘some day’ their situations may improve. That may be true but why wait in the hopes of it happening when you could act now and do something about it? Make the change and be who you have always wanted to be because time is not kind and doesn’t wait forever. Some people wish that they could live on forever but I don’t think they have considered what you would have to go through if that were the case. Would you be able to handle watching everyone else around you (family, friends, loved ones) pass away while you are forced to go on? If it were me, I wouldn’t be able to handle that pain; just the thought of the pain and suffering that would build up makes me edge away from the idea of immortality. I’d much rather grow old, laugh, cry, smile and live  with someone because saying goodbye is something I’ve always struggled to do. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who would be more than happy to pay that price but I think I’d go insane over time and lose myself in the process. You can only take so much emotional stress before you snap. Oh well, I guess it’s just in our human nature to worry so much about the future. So, to my future self, here’s a letter to you:

Dear future me,

I hope all is going well.

Just in case someone hasn’t asked you today, how are you feeling? is everything going the way you want it to and if not, what changed?

I know you don’t like being asked a lot of questions, sorry, but I want to know. Are you married yet? Is marriage for you even legalised where you are? 

I hope you’re staying true to who you are and that the kindness in your heart spreads to those around you; I hope you are able to finally love yourself for who you are fully without worrying about the minor details. If no one else has told you yet then I love you. I love your imperfections, the scars on your arm, your eyes, the skin on your stomach and I love you for who you are. I hope you’ve finally found peace in your heart and that you have let down those inner walls around your heart.

How’s things with Shelly? Is he a Rivera or are you a Berne? Haha, not that it matters but I hope you are truly happy either way.

Hey, remember to keep on smiling on a day to day basis, no matter how dark it may get. You are loved by a lot of people and I’m proud of you. Shelly was always proud of you too and still is.

Alright, I’ve got to run, I’ve got a few exemptions to process (oh I’m sure you loved doing them back at work).

Love you always,

2015 Jose Ireneo Rivera

P.S. You’re fabulous.

Clarity, the rain and new beginnings

It’s been a long time since I’ve last posted anything and let me tell you it has been one hell of a rollercoaster in the time I’ve been absent; a lot of things good and bad have happened and honestly I think they’ve happened for a reason. When I look back on how I used to be I still manage to drop my jaw. They say change is a good thing but it could also be bad; in this case, it’s nothing but the good. Compared to the ‘dark and gloomy’ days I’ve had in the past, the sky is now filled with the brightest of lights and that’s because of the effort and time I have put in to see and manage the error in my ways. It’s safe to say that the person I was before has died and in a way has been reborn. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still the same person with the same name and with the same traits but my mind has changed its way of thinking and as a result my life has just sprung up drastically.

Time heals a lot of things but some wounds will remain as scars. You learn to live with it and it’s not so bad. That’s a pretty good way to sum up everything up to this point; you acknowledge that the things in the past have happened but you do not under any circumstances let them consume who you are. If you’re someone going through a cycle of self doubt, regret, sadness or any type of pain, I want you to know that it will get better. These voices inside your head are nothing but lies; in a way, they are obstacles that your brain puts up in order to ensure that nothing else happens again. Learn to be patient with yourself, learn to love yourself and learn to accept that some things will never disappear but you’ll learn to live with them because honestly, the pain might never go away but you can numb it. It’s all about willpower. The pain of not knowing my dad, the pain of allowing myself to think that I was never good enough and the pain of the others around me are all something that I have ‘willed’ myself to control. There is a way. This is not the end. You will become a better person for enduring the pain; do not give up on anything and if you manage to fall, well, that’s okay because we’re not perfect. Get up, try again and keep going. When times get tough and it starts to get dark again just remember why you began and why you changed yourself in the first place.

You’re beautiful,

You’re worth it,

You’re loved,

Be brave,

Be bold,

Be pretentious,

Cry,

Laugh,

Be yourself and smile.

IMG_3577

Happiness comes in many forms: love, joy, fun… the list is endless. I’ve come out of the closet since my last post and never have I felt so free. Oh yeah, I’m blonde now too (boy, that was an experience) and I’ve found love. Everyone deserves to be loved but some parents are not worthy of their children’s love. You need to be careful who you give it to but you’ll know when it’s genuine because your heart will tell you what’s right. If you’re wondering who that may be in the photo… well, his name is Sheldon and let me tell you that he is the most amazing person to ever waltz into my life. No matter how crappy your life may seem just keep your head held high because it will get better. It’s half way into 2015 and I can’t believe it took me this long to realize all of this. Remember to love and to be kind because in return you will be loved.

So, dear self,

Live, love, laugh, cry and work it because everything will fall into place with time and dedication. Be that person who will make even the darkest nights shine brightly.

Oh and don’t forget to smile, you fabulous unapologetic bitch.

Watch out because you’re going to slay the future.