Wonderland

Sometimes I find myself losing my train of though and without realising it, I end up drifting off into my own little world. It’s almost as though my ears shut themselves off from everything around me and my eyes, after blinking, end up staring at an entire different world. Perhaps daydreaming is our way of ‘falling down a rabbit hole’ and finding our way into Wonderland; It’s a really odd feeling but it’s calming at the same time because you almost feel as though time has stopped or at least slowed down incredibly. The moment you spend in this state of mind feels like you’ve spent hours there and it also feels eerily familiar. You don’t feel any danger but you’re really cautious at the same time. I don’t know how to really explain it but you get the gist of it (I hope). You feel as though you can’t stop walking and can’t stop wandering around. Every turn, inch and step that you take is really up to your imagination and it feels like you can’t control where you’re going.

Anyway, I’m blabbering on about nothing but I might as well take the time to reflect myself and re-evaluate my situation because that’s long overdue. I don’t really know where I’m headed in life at the moment and I’m kind of just letting things happen as they go. It’s safe to say that I feel a bit insecure at the moment but hey, we’re all humans and I’m pretty sure we all go through phases like this. I’m in my prime age to find out exactly what I want to do with my life but it’s a little frustrating not having known from the start. Some people are really lucky when it comes to that and I envy them. They’re able to pursue it from the start without getting side-tracked by other ambitions or self doubt. I want to keep my options as open as possible but at the same time I already want to settle down and steam ahead with one major goal in life. What is it exactly that I want to do? What do I want to achieve? It’s funny that these things come to my subconscious mind when I’m having these ‘Wonderland’ moments. Oh well, as frustrating as it is not knowing what I exactly want to do, it’s good to have your options open. Who knows, perhaps my calling card will come to me soon.

Next time I ‘fall down the rabbit hole’ and drift off, I hope that my mind decides to take me somewhere uplifting and vibrant. It’s unpredictable though and that’s the thing about ‘Wonderland’… you end up searching for yourself, just like Alice did. In a way, you forget who you are for a moment of time and everything your mind visualizes seems real. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad.

Perhaps Wonderland does exist after all… I wonder if everyone’s own ‘Wonderland’ is a reflection of themselves. It could serve as a warning for some future events that may occur due to the actions you’ve decided to take.

Invincibility and the future

There’s been a lot going on within my head lately. Most of the stuff that comes out of my brain is either work related, the feeling of forgetting something (I still recall the time I left the stove on) or just utter nonsense. I’ve been really focused on the future for some reason as of late and to be honest, it’s not the greatest thing to be worrying about. Sure, some people may disagree with me but you really don’t know what tomorrow will bring so I’d rather focus on the present in hopes of influencing the future. No matter how financially stable you are or no matter how far you’ve walked in life, all of that could change in the blink of an eye; either tomorrow, three minutes from now, or even a few seconds from now. It’s a scary thing not knowing what comes next and I guess I’m at the age where I’m trying to figure what the heck I want to do with my life. Is university for me? I’ve been doing it for two years now but something seems off about it. At the end of the day it’s a piece of paper that might not even guarantee you a better job in the future. I guess the main thing I want to know is: ‘Am I doing enough?’ I’ve grown up trying to impress people but at the expense of my own aspirations and needs but doing that has eaten away at me. I’ve changed since then but it’s still hard to shake old habits. It’s kind of an endless, vicious cycle; I’ll go through stages where I’m focusing on myself but somehow I always end up back at square one. I guess I need to learn that being selfish once in a while is okay.

I think in society today people are way too busy worrying about the future and in doing so, they lose sight of the present; they end up living in a fictional word created by their own minds in the hopes that ‘some day’ their situations may improve. That may be true but why wait in the hopes of it happening when you could act now and do something about it? Make the change and be who you have always wanted to be because time is not kind and doesn’t wait forever. Some people wish that they could live on forever but I don’t think they have considered what you would have to go through if that were the case. Would you be able to handle watching everyone else around you (family, friends, loved ones) pass away while you are forced to go on? If it were me, I wouldn’t be able to handle that pain; just the thought of the pain and suffering that would build up makes me edge away from the idea of immortality. I’d much rather grow old, laugh, cry, smile and live  with someone because saying goodbye is something I’ve always struggled to do. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who would be more than happy to pay that price but I think I’d go insane over time and lose myself in the process. You can only take so much emotional stress before you snap. Oh well, I guess it’s just in our human nature to worry so much about the future. So, to my future self, here’s a letter to you:

Dear future me,

I hope all is going well.

Just in case someone hasn’t asked you today, how are you feeling? is everything going the way you want it to and if not, what changed?

I know you don’t like being asked a lot of questions, sorry, but I want to know. Are you married yet? Is marriage for you even legalised where you are? 

I hope you’re staying true to who you are and that the kindness in your heart spreads to those around you; I hope you are able to finally love yourself for who you are fully without worrying about the minor details. If no one else has told you yet then I love you. I love your imperfections, the scars on your arm, your eyes, the skin on your stomach and I love you for who you are. I hope you’ve finally found peace in your heart and that you have let down those inner walls around your heart.

How’s things with Shelly? Is he a Rivera or are you a Berne? Haha, not that it matters but I hope you are truly happy either way.

Hey, remember to keep on smiling on a day to day basis, no matter how dark it may get. You are loved by a lot of people and I’m proud of you. Shelly was always proud of you too and still is.

Alright, I’ve got to run, I’ve got a few exemptions to process (oh I’m sure you loved doing them back at work).

Love you always,

2015 Jose Ireneo Rivera

P.S. You’re fabulous.