The heart’s melody

Music… there’s so much of it out there and there are many kinds of music in the world. Everyone has their own personal taste in music whether you’re into dubstep, dance, pop, rock, jazz or any other type of music genre that I failed to mention. As humans, our hearts have a unique melody and it pulls us towards the music which most represents our heart’s song. So, what do I look for when I listen to music? Well, to be honest I’m not too sure what I look for in my music but after taking a closer inspection, it appears that I have a thing for music in which it’s lyrics hold a meaning deeper than one can comprehend by just listening to it. As you know, I listen to a lot of genres of music but I can’t really handle dupstep or music with limited and repeated lyrics such as Nicki Minaj’s “Stupid Hoe”. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy some of her other songs but it’s songs like that which really annoy me.

I mean, if you look at it and it’s lyrics you’d have a headache by the time you finish counting how many times “Stupid Hoe” is said in the song. I enjoy music from artists such as Birdy, Ed Sheeran, The Script, Lady Gaga, Beyonce and of course, who could forget? One Direction (Yes, I’m a directioner if you already didn’t know.). I enjoy music with a slower and toned down beat while hearing lyrics that have meaning to them. What I’m trying to say here is that not everyone will like every type of music and even if there’s a person that does like all type of music, there will always be that one genre that they would like above all others because that genre is the closest to the song that radiates out of their heart.

This goes down to a deeper level when we break down through the genres of music and deal with certain songs. There is always that one song that speaks to you the most (it’s not always your favourite song). It may be because of an experience that you have had in your life or you might just relate to the sound and lyrics that the music emits. You might even look up to the artist that sings that song. For me, “Little Things”  by One Direction and “People help the people” by Birdy resonate with my heart the most. They make me feel safe, “worth it” and make me ponder about the world we live in. These songs make me extremely calm and I am able to forget and enjoy the soothing sounds of the instruments against the voices that are sung. These songs are the closest songs to my heart.

We will never know for sure what the song in our heart sounds like but as we listen and learn about more music, the more we are exposed to the sounds, lyrics and feelings, we can slowly make a rough estimate of what it sounds like. The only time that we’ll be able to hear it is when we finally pass on. When we finally reach peace in the afterlife we will be able to replay our lives with the song of our heart.

Music is a big part of my life as it is with many other people in the world.

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent”

– Victor Hugo –

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The limit of forgiveness – trust

Trust is a thing that can be easily broken and when it does, you never can fully repair it. No matter how much better your relationship gets and no matter how many times you tell yourself that you have forgiven that person fully, your trust between that person will never be the same. Especially when you share or give something that is personal and precious to someone and all they do is mock you and laugh. I wouldn’t worry too much about it though, it’s just another obstacle and element of trust that we as humans must “get over”. We tend to give out our trust to those around us easily but it is easily broken. When you entrust something to someone thinking that they would at least have the respect to not completely disregard one’s feelings towards that object.

“Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother**cker’s reflection.”

– Lady Gaga –

It’s exactly how she say’s it but it all comes down to the limit of forgiveness each unique person has. Now, I tend to forgive a lot of people for many things, I can’t be forced to hate someone simply because they have wronged me in any way… but when it comes down to me personally and if people have a go at me for my attempts to help myself control my emotions and thoughts by writing or listening to music; well, I’m sorry but that is the limit of my personal forgiveness. You need to watch out to whom you give our your trust to. Some people are just out there to break it but you also need to consider forgiveness. You can’t stay mad/angry at someone forever.

On a lighter note, I had an amazing time with some of my most awesome friends tonight. A drive in the night with friends helps take me mind off a lot of things.

Born in darkness, sowing seeds of light

I’ve had my share of rough experiences in life but when I look back, I’m kind of thankful for all that happened. I probably wouldn’t be the person that I am at the moment. Growing up, I was constantly exposed to loneliness. The only one who really showed that they cared about me was my sister and she still does to this day. She’s like a shining sun in a universe that has had all of it’s light blown out. A precious light, my last light in this world of loneliness. As a child I was always the quietest and always felt like the odd one out. I mean, they all had complete families; a  mother and a father. I was constantly being left home alone so that my mother could enjoy herself with her friends. I guess that’s where my fear started to grow. Being left alone as a child in that house… waking up finding that your mother had gone out with her friends. I was only around 7 years old when this all began.

I’ve learnt from all this though and instead of running from that loneliness that frightened me, I welcomed it with open arms and at last I found inner peace. It was only temporary though. Eventually I discovered music. My heart seemed to slow it’s pace, my brain and inner self would be able to relax as I heard the keys of a piano play. I’ve always wanted to play an instrument but my mother didn’t allow me to do that. Nobody understood me during primary school and as I mentioned in an earlier post, I’d spend my days often sitting behind the school library crying and eating food to help ease the pain. As I grew up, I slowly understood this emotion people called “loneliness”. Of course, I had never forgotten that I’ve been like that ever since I was little. I’d say that my emotions were already a bit more mature when it came to the other children around me. I knew how it felt to be hurt in a much deeper level than they would.

I didn’t like seeing other people around me in pain. It doesn’t matter if they were or had wronged me. I just didn’t want to see others endure pain. From a very small age, I’ve been wishing for all this pain and suffering in the world to vanish. I’d try to help that person and try to understand what they are going through. I’d sow seeds of my last light to ensure that others wouldn’t be able to feel what I do in hope that one day… perhaps just one day… they would blossom into a beautiful garden of light where no pain existed for everyone.

If I could, I’d choose to burden the darkness of others in order for them to live their life in the ways in which I couldn’t. I do not like to burden people but if one should ask me to carry their burden then I would accept in a heartbeat.

People in this world don’t deserve what I’ve been through. They don’t deserve pain. I’ll take all of their darkness that burdens their heart and carry it for them.

Emotional and emotionless – A thousand dying sunsets

Every day we experience many different emotions. We meet new people and learn new things. We rely on our emotions to make friends or enemies. It is what defines us as humans but what some people don’t notice is that our emotions can lead to our own destruction. So, why exactly were we given these emotions if they cause a wide range of effects depending on your personality and your experiences? Simple. We’re only human and it’s impossible to show no emotion. No matter how “tough” you are, there’s always going to be at least one thing that will trigger a random emotional response. It may be recalling the loss of a loved one, listening to music, daydreaming, sleeping. There’s so many different causes that i’d be sitting here forever trying to name them all.

Sometimes life can be tough and our emotions would deal with it in a negative way. We may often find ourselves falling into an endless pit of despair; like the world is going to end when in reality, it’s not. Our emotions cloud our brain and make things seem worse than they really are. Now I’m not saying that we should discard our emotions but we need to make sure that we have full control over them in order not to lose sight of what is real and what is just an illusion. Today I got to spend time with one of my most cherished friends. Her and I can relate in many ways. We’ve been hurt a lot but we still stand strong. We have our emotions to tank for that but without the power of willpower, our emotions would be set free and corrupt our mind and hearts. We understand each other’s pain but underneath all that fire and burning is a shiny gem that is waiting to be discovered. A diamond in a pile of coal.

“God knows what is hiding in this world of little consequence
Behind the tears, inside the lies
A thousand slowly dying sunsets
God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts
Guess the loneliness came knocking
No one needs to be alone, oh singin'”

– Birdy –

Behind the tears… inside all those lies… all that hurt. There is always a shining gem that keeps that person going. It’s their eternal flame that cannot be extinguished no matter what. Even the darkest people who are corrupted by darkness have a gem inside of them. There are those exist that have their gems ripped out of their being. Those people are at a point where all they know is true despair. Suicide in other terms. Their emotions have spiraled out of control and their last resort is eternal darkness where no one could reach them.

We are human and we were born with these emotions. You either let them destroy you or transform them to become a weapon.

Life in solitude

“At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self.” – Brendan Francis

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Loneliness. It’s an emotion that can ruin you as a person but it can also bring yourself comfort. For me, being around people isn’t the easiest thing to do, especially after what I have been through in the past. Due to my lack of self esteem and confidence, I prefer living a life of solitude. I’ve been hurt by people in many ways and some of these people are very close to me. Not everyone could understand what I am and what makes me as a person. I have grown to fear people and I am unable to function easily around large crowds. For many years I have always walked the path of loneliness. It’s like I was destined to be lonely. I always distanced myself from my cousins. To me, they held much more value to society than myself; I had always thought of myself lowly when it comes to other people around me. I guess that loneliness is an emotion that I know very well. I hate it but at the same time, it’s always there for me like a mother is there for her child. It’s always crushing me but it also embraces me and accepts me for the person that I am. It’s sort of like a love-hate relationship.

I feel a lot better when I’m separated from others. A life in solitude doesn’t sound too bad. After all, I’ve spent 18 years being misunderstood by others as well as being tormented by my fears that hold me back. I’ve had a lot of practice and by now, I’d say that I’m used to this kind of lifestyle. I’m in my own little world where no one is able to judge me for what I like. There’s only me and my inner self who accepts me for who I am. I find myself listening to music a lot. Particularly artists like Birdy and Ed Sheeran. In a way, I guess I can relate to a lot of their songs. I can’t explain the feeling but the sound of their voices combined with the soft sound of instruments just comforts me. I guess it’s what I can use to escape the harsh reality life has dealt me. I also find myself looking up to One Direction as I never had the chance to have a male role model in my life. I grew up without a father after all. Their songs especially Little Things allow me to think that things are not as bad as what they seem and that I’m actually worth something in this world. Hey, I’ve been surrounded by nothing but negativity and darkness my entire life but as I stated in an earlier post, I let the darkness flow inside of me but at the same time not allowing it to corrupt my heart. Those who experience pain, no matter how small it is I’d offer my help to without thinking. I long for a world that is rid of pain, rid of everything negative. I harness the darkness inside of me and try my best to ensure the ones I love experience no pain. Light and darkness cannot exist without each other.

A world without conflict, judgement, a world where everyone is equal. That’s what I long for. If anything, my loneliness has strengthened my other emotions, allowing me to understand at a deeper level. Unfortunately the world I long for cannot exist as we are only human. There will always be hate, and hate will eventually breed anger and revenge. As long as we are humans we cannot possibly find true peace.

…But still, I’ll hope for the impossible.

It was only just a dream

I’m pretty sure you’ve had experiences where your dreams seemed so real at the time. I honestly thought you were awake and you were that hero in your dream or whatever your imagination decided to conjure up that night. Everything just seemed so real, the things you touched, the seemingly perfect lifestyle that you were living in your dream. When you wake, you can only recall the last thing that happened. You sit on your bed and ponder why it felt so real and ask yourself “Why did it have to end?” If only there was a way to go back to that “reality”. Everything just seems so much better when we’re dreaming. I personally think that someone should invent a button that sends you back into the same dream world (It’s impossible, I should stop trying).

The same thing goes for music, if you relate to it, you begin to think and dream about experiences that you’ve had. I’ve done this many times and the results were often tears of sadness but it can also bring me joy. I often listen to songs on the lowest volume that my iphone has to offer as I drift off to sleep. I leave the music playing and surprisingly, I always wake up in a better mood the next day. I don’t know if it’s just me but hey, it works! I’ve had those moments where my dreams were too realistic and when I wake, I lose sight of reality for just a second trying to figure out if this was real or not. I’ve always pondered if we were living in a dream and if someone was watching our every move. Sort of like “The Sims”! Will we wake up one morning as a different life form and realize that our entire life as humans was just a big and cruel dream? Probably not but you can’t help but think about it sometimes.

I talked about the darkness that with within me before and I guess my dreams are away to escape this harsh reality that life has thrown at us. I’d rather live in that world of illusion and eternal happiness. Who wouldn’t? Now, I’m not saying that life here is totally crap but sometimes you can’t help it and you want everything to go away. The moon always fascinated me, I spent quite a long time looking up at it and just thinking about what the next day would bring. Sometimes I just hope that I would have a good dream because of the events that happened the day before.

Music and the ability to dream. I wouldn’t be here without those two things right now.

Light and Dark: Two sides of the same coin

You know, I can’t help think and ponder about what light and dark really is. I guess some people see them as opposites but I see them as two entities that cannot exist without the other. Think about it, if there were wasn’t any darkness in this world, where would we learn and know the good things in life? It is within darkness where good things are born. The same goes for light. Through light, darkness is born. Two entities that cannot exist without the company of it’s opposite. There’s not really a good and evil in this world, there’s only people and the choices that they make. You could say that certain people have been corrupted by darkness and therefore do things that are considered as criminal or evil.

It’s the same for light because it is very possible to corrupt yourself with light and blind yourself from the truth or even people. Take religious extremists, they are so focused on their views and are blinded by the corruption of their “light”. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is no such thing as being “truly good” and “truly evil”. There doesn’t exist a person without a mix of light and darkness within their hearts. I bet even the Pope has some sort of darkness within him.

Saying this, I don’t know what I am as a person. I am neither good or bad, light or dark. I’ve been exposed within the darkness ever since I was a small child but I never let it corrupt me. In fact, I harnessed that power of darkness within me to strengthen the small light that was inside of me. I’m not too sure if you guys would understand what I’m trying to say but… I guess what I’m trying to say is that equilibrium is needed in order to find true peace. Instead of trying to suppress and hide the darkness from within, let it flow through you but at the same time allowing your “light” to mix with the darkness, allowing yourself to be within both worlds. A perfect balance between light and darkness. From my experiences, my darkness within has taught me to be respectful, not judge others for wanting to be themselves and appreciate art at a personal level. Though it has ruined my self esteem and confidence, I wouldn’t have it any other way because I wouldn’t be who I am at the moment.

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Good can easily turn to evil. Evil can easily turn into good. Light and dark are the two sides of the “equilibrium” coin. Don’t treat them as opposites but as brother and sister. Find true peace within yourself.

Don’t corrupt yourself with one side. You control your own life.

Daydreaming: just another illusion

Sometimes you just stare out of the window and see a bright blue sky, plants and trees slowly blowing in the breeze and you just can’t help but get lost in the moment. It’s almost like a trance of elegance (if such a sing even existed…). I would find myself staring out of my window for long a duration of time and not know why I was doing it in the first place. I guess nature itself is very captivating to me. I can’t help but admire all the small details that the world has to offer. It’s like all the bad things and the bad people in the world have suddenly vanished, my fears swept away by the breeze. Everything is harmonious until… well, you snap out of it I guess.

That’s when it all comes rushing back to you, the sudden realization that you were lost in a world of illusion, a world of peace. I mean, if you take a look at this world, you can’t really say that we’ve achieved peace. The truth is as long as there’s hate in the world, there will always be conflict. It’s how the human race is and I know for a fact, there isn’t much hope that we’ll achieve world peace. Everyone has different values and beliefs and some people force their beliefs down people. Not really a peaceful world right?

Perhaps daydreaming was an inbuilt mechanism for us humans to escape reality just for a moment and live in that world of peace. That’s the way I view it at least, not sure about you guys. A world without conflict, where everyone can get along and be liked for who they are as a person. That’s the kind of world that I’d want to live in. Unfortunately the only way for us to travel there is through the illusion of daydreaming and our dreams at night. They seem so real at the time but they crumble when you wake from them.

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Perhaps, someday… the human race will achieve true peace. I highly doubt it though. It’s just another illusion waiting to be shattered.

Drowning in a sea of people, my dark past

It can really get to me sometimes, my fear, that is. I’ve always had extreme cases of anxiety issues ever since I was a child. I guess it’s come from my low self esteem and little-to-no confidence. Always being the odd one out, growing up without a father while you’re forced to watch your friends grow up with a full set of parents. Back then, I didn’t know what was going on. I guess I just asked myself “Why am I so different?” over and over again. I never really found the answer until I was around 14 though.

Primary school life was… tough to say the least, hiding from people daily, sitting behind the school library crying because nobody understood you but at the same time, being alone comforted me. I was in my own little world where I wouldn’t be frowned, teased or laughed at. I can’t describe the feeling… it was sort of like something was crushing your soul, but at the same time, it was embracing it.

Hey, I can’t blame those other kids for not understanding me, or keeping away from me like I was some sort of deadly bug. I mean, If you look at me, there isn’t much to like, ahahaha…aha… I was lost in the darkness for so long. Judged and criticized by others for being different the entire time. Heck, I was even told to my face “I wish you were never born”. Every day was like a living hell for me. I came to fear people, especially people around my age. Now, you’re probably thinking it couldn’t of been that bad. You still had a mother who probably loved you. You’re semi-correct on that one. yes, I had a mother but no, not once has she ever told me that she’s proud of who I am or what I have become, in fact, even to this day she compares me to her friend’s children saying “Why didn’t you grow up like them? You should be ashamed of yourself!” Heh… not what you were expecting, right? As a child, she would leave me home alone to go gambling with her friends. The only one in my life who was always there for me has always been my older sister. Without her, I honestly would’ve taken my own life and wouldn’t be here right now.

My mother didn’t even come to my graduation dinner, she’d rather go out with her friends, is what she told me. It was hard to keep a straight face that night, but at the same time, it wasn’t that hard to put on the “fake smile” mask that I had plenty of time mastering when I was young. Can you imagine sitting at a table, watching your friend’s parents hug their son saying “congratulations, son! I’m so proud of you!” While you sit there, lonely. Trying your best not to cry. It felt like someone was choking me, I couldn’t breathe.

Even now, I am still drowning in a sea of people, I can’t handle big crowds, I’m always self conscious. If I stay too long around people, I’ll eventually have to vomit. It’s a scar that will never heal.

Inner Sanctum: Being the way that you are is enough

Being yourself isn’t the easiest thing to do, especially if society and the people around you think quite poorly of the things you like and the people you look up to. Hey, a good example of this would be me liking a certain “boy band” (you can probably guess…). Okay, “like” is an understatement but still, you get the drift (I hope). The world is full of judgmental people these days and the internet is by far much worse. Perhaps it’s because you are behind a computer screen and people can’t see what you really look like, making them feel like they can say whatever they want. It’s sort of like having a mask… except… well, it’s a machine.

Anyway, I find it quite hard to be myself around people because I fear being judged. Trust me, it’s not a nice thing and we’ve all probably been there at some point in our lives. We face judgement everyday and sometimes it can even hold you back. You really shouldn’t let others affect who you are and determine what you’ll become (I’m sounding like a hypocrite here, haha). 

“I’m beautiful in my way because God makes no mistakes.”

“I’m on the right track baby, I was born this way.”

 

Okay, that was lame and cheesy but you know what Gaga has said here is quite true! At times we may feel hopeless and full of despair (pretty much me all the time, I can’t talk) but you are who you are in the end. There’s no escaping that reality.

Oh, if you haven’t figured out who that boy band is from the title you must be a little slow…
ImageYeah… couldn’t make it anymore obvious than that! What can I say? They’re talented, charming and overall down to earth guys! Now, I’m a guy and society + the internet would disagree but you know what? Haters are going to hate!

Don’t be afraid to let your “true self” out of your inner sanctum. It doesn’t really matter what others think about you. It’s not like they control your life.

(Well, I’m just going to say that I’m being a huge hypocrite here because I am terrified of some people finding out about me and them, haha!)