I’ve had my share of rough experiences in life but when I look back, I’m kind of thankful for all that happened. I probably wouldn’t be the person that I am at the moment. Growing up, I was constantly exposed to loneliness. The only one who really showed that they cared about me was my sister and she still does to this day. She’s like a shining sun in a universe that has had all of it’s light blown out. A precious light, my last light in this world of loneliness. As a child I was always the quietest and always felt like the odd one out. I mean, they all had complete families; a mother and a father. I was constantly being left home alone so that my mother could enjoy herself with her friends. I guess that’s where my fear started to grow. Being left alone as a child in that house… waking up finding that your mother had gone out with her friends. I was only around 7 years old when this all began.
I’ve learnt from all this though and instead of running from that loneliness that frightened me, I welcomed it with open arms and at last I found inner peace. It was only temporary though. Eventually I discovered music. My heart seemed to slow it’s pace, my brain and inner self would be able to relax as I heard the keys of a piano play. I’ve always wanted to play an instrument but my mother didn’t allow me to do that. Nobody understood me during primary school and as I mentioned in an earlier post, I’d spend my days often sitting behind the school library crying and eating food to help ease the pain. As I grew up, I slowly understood this emotion people called “loneliness”. Of course, I had never forgotten that I’ve been like that ever since I was little. I’d say that my emotions were already a bit more mature when it came to the other children around me. I knew how it felt to be hurt in a much deeper level than they would.
I didn’t like seeing other people around me in pain. It doesn’t matter if they were or had wronged me. I just didn’t want to see others endure pain. From a very small age, I’ve been wishing for all this pain and suffering in the world to vanish. I’d try to help that person and try to understand what they are going through. I’d sow seeds of my last light to ensure that others wouldn’t be able to feel what I do in hope that one day… perhaps just one day… they would blossom into a beautiful garden of light where no pain existed for everyone.
If I could, I’d choose to burden the darkness of others in order for them to live their life in the ways in which I couldn’t. I do not like to burden people but if one should ask me to carry their burden then I would accept in a heartbeat.
People in this world don’t deserve what I’ve been through. They don’t deserve pain. I’ll take all of their darkness that burdens their heart and carry it for them.