“At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self.” – Brendan Francis
Loneliness. It’s an emotion that can ruin you as a person but it can also bring yourself comfort. For me, being around people isn’t the easiest thing to do, especially after what I have been through in the past. Due to my lack of self esteem and confidence, I prefer living a life of solitude. I’ve been hurt by people in many ways and some of these people are very close to me. Not everyone could understand what I am and what makes me as a person. I have grown to fear people and I am unable to function easily around large crowds. For many years I have always walked the path of loneliness. It’s like I was destined to be lonely. I always distanced myself from my cousins. To me, they held much more value to society than myself; I had always thought of myself lowly when it comes to other people around me. I guess that loneliness is an emotion that I know very well. I hate it but at the same time, it’s always there for me like a mother is there for her child. It’s always crushing me but it also embraces me and accepts me for the person that I am. It’s sort of like a love-hate relationship.
I feel a lot better when I’m separated from others. A life in solitude doesn’t sound too bad. After all, I’ve spent 18 years being misunderstood by others as well as being tormented by my fears that hold me back. I’ve had a lot of practice and by now, I’d say that I’m used to this kind of lifestyle. I’m in my own little world where no one is able to judge me for what I like. There’s only me and my inner self who accepts me for who I am. I find myself listening to music a lot. Particularly artists like Birdy and Ed Sheeran. In a way, I guess I can relate to a lot of their songs. I can’t explain the feeling but the sound of their voices combined with the soft sound of instruments just comforts me. I guess it’s what I can use to escape the harsh reality life has dealt me. I also find myself looking up to One Direction as I never had the chance to have a male role model in my life. I grew up without a father after all. Their songs especially Little Things allow me to think that things are not as bad as what they seem and that I’m actually worth something in this world. Hey, I’ve been surrounded by nothing but negativity and darkness my entire life but as I stated in an earlier post, I let the darkness flow inside of me but at the same time not allowing it to corrupt my heart. Those who experience pain, no matter how small it is I’d offer my help to without thinking. I long for a world that is rid of pain, rid of everything negative. I harness the darkness inside of me and try my best to ensure the ones I love experience no pain. Light and darkness cannot exist without each other.
A world without conflict, judgement, a world where everyone is equal. That’s what I long for. If anything, my loneliness has strengthened my other emotions, allowing me to understand at a deeper level. Unfortunately the world I long for cannot exist as we are only human. There will always be hate, and hate will eventually breed anger and revenge. As long as we are humans we cannot possibly find true peace.
…But still, I’ll hope for the impossible.